The Queen’s Jewels. From the Internet. Look very closely.
Nothing like a tall tale or a good joke, especially when it’s based in fact. Or, at least, when it could be true. Most of these aren’t.
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . . .”Go get your mother.”
Now, this is topical:
The story goes that four disillusioned women — one each from Idaho, Nebraska, Califorina and Washington — began a trip across the United States in a car together. It wasn’t long before the Idahoan took a handful of potatoes from her handback and began throwing them out the window.
“What are you doing?” one of the other women asked. “In Idaho, it’s all about potatoes. I’m sick of it. So, I’m setting myself free; throwing these potatoes out makes me feel better!”
“Great idea!” said the Nebraskan, who reached into her bag, pulled out several ears of corn, and began tossing them out the car window, too. “I’m sick of corn; this feels great!”
The woman from Washington, watched with interest. “So tossing away something that bothers you makes you feel better?”
“Yep. Sure does,” replied the women from Idaho and Nebraska.
So the Washington woman threw the Californian out the window.
New York delicatessens aren’t always known for cleanliness, so when a clean-freak diner went to eat at one of those establishments with a large group of friends, he took an extra precaution when ordering his meal.
“I’d like a glass of milk with my meal,” he said to the waiter, “and can you be sure that the glass is clean?”
About five minutes later the waiter returned, this time carrying a trayfull of beverages. Holding up the milk, he asked,”Which one of you wanted a clean glass?”
Joe was leaving for a trip overseas, and asked his friend, Harold, to come stay at this house while he was gone. “I need you to stay here, water the plants, and — most important of all — take care of my prized parrot. My mother lives here at the house, too, so if you could keep her company and run errands for her, too, that would be great, but most of all I want you to look after my parrot. I love that bird!”
Harold agreed, and Joe took off on his trip. A week passed and Joe got a call from the house. It was Harold: “Joe, your parrot got loose yesterday, climbed up onto the roof, touched a power line, and is dead.”
Joe was stunned. “That’s horrible news, Hal,” he said. “But I have to wonder about how you just blurted out the details of my loss without much compassion or tact.”
“What do you mean,” responded Harold.
“Well, when you have to convey news of tragedy, you need to be considerate of others feelings. You need to ‘warm up’ to it; perhaps give me the details a little at a time,” answered Joe. “Call me the first day to tell me the bird got out, then call me again to tell me it’s up on the roof, then call me later with the news of his death. It would be easier to take that way.”
There was a short silence over the phone line, then Harold spoke. “Ok. Listen, Joe, your mother got out yesterday….”
The congressman was taking a tour of a large medical facility in his district, and the chief surgeon was showing him the various high-tech labs and specialized wards. “Here’s the such-and-such facility, Congressman, and in this wing of the building we take care of this-and-that….” the doctor blatherd on.
Passing by one large room, the congressman was astonished to see about fifty men, many of whom were “manipulating” their genetalia, obviously in the act of self-pleasurement. “My goodness,” the congressman exclaimed, “what in the world is going on here?!”
“Well, this isn’t what you think, Congressman,” the doctor expained with his voice lowered. “You see, all of these men have a life-threatening heart conditon, and the only means we have of dealing with it is to have them masturbate at least three times a day. It’s a bit awkward, but necessary to keep them alive.”
The representative scratched his head, grunted, and said he understood. The two continued their hospital tour.
A few feet further down the hallway the official peered into a smaller, more private patient’s room, astonished to see yet another act of outrageous conduct: A nurse was leaning over a male patient, providing oral gratification.
“Doctor! Please explain this!!” sputtered the congressman.
“Well, you see, this man has the same condition as those other patients,” the doctor explained, matter-of-factly, ” but he has a much better health plan!”
The man was bothered, and sought out God, who happened to be tending his garden that day. “Lord, do you have a minute to talk?”
“Sure,” God replied, looking up from a row of carrots. “What’s on your mind?”
“It’s women. I think about them all the time. I watch for them, stare at them, I can’t wait for the next encounter. I’m fascinated by their hair, skin, breasts; the softness of their voice, their flowing hair, the way they walk. And sex with women is absolutely wonderful; I can’t get enough of that. I guess I’m obsessed, and I don’t understand why.”
The Lord smiled in satisfaction. “Well,” he answered, “I created women that way so that you’d like them. It’s by design so that the two of you would — you know — get together.”
“Wow,” said the man, first raising his eyebrows in surprise, but then frowning again. He started to ask another question, hesitated, and turned away, muttering. “I did not expect that answer,” and walked away.
“Wait,” God called to the man, “you’re obviously still bothered by something. What’s at the heart of this discussion. What’s really on your mind?”
“Well, I understand you made women soft and curvy and wonderfully gentle so that I’d be attracted to them,” the man responded. “And believe me, I’m appreciative, because I really love being with them. But why did you have to make them so stupid…?”
“Oh, that–!” God replied with a shrug. “I that was the only way I could get them to be attracted to you!”
This odd photograph will take just a minute; look closely:
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, wanted to stop but decided I’d better get my shopping done.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. “Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”
“Yes,” she said. “They’re retired prostitutes, and they’re having a yard sale.”
This next picture isn’t funny, especially; maybe more in the category of so stupid it’s entertaining:
And the ultimate window message: